Wedding Confessionals

After a request for a "mind dump" on the blog, I have been trying to comply! What follows is the last couple weeks in fragments.

Monday January 13

What do I say after yet another absence from this space? I must own to my inconsistency, my flakiness as a writer. Though it was not an official resolution, to write more is a resolution ever gathering strength. So many paragraphs formed in my head, only to disappear with the absence of a pen and paper to record them. Just yesterday, I was thinking about this entry and wrote (what seemed to be) a brilliant opening. What was it? No idea. It's off floating on the gusting winds.

The wedding is little more than a month away, and while I feel incredibly excited as it grows closer, I must confess, there are moments where all I think about is everything I have yet to do. Yet to confirm, yet to plan. And, at the the same time, I feel guilty at being stressed and not just joyful at the thought of our wedding day. Egad! Too many emotions.

Thursday January 16

A calm has settled the last couple days; will this calm slowly replace the buzzing anxiety that has come to stay the last couple months? I sure hope so. This morning I sit as the darkness begins to lift, the sky beginning to blue over the black treetops.

I need to leave for work in little over an hour, and in between I will mostly sit at my computer and then kick it into high gear when I have just enough time to get ready and leave for work on time. It is a new habit I have developed, not one that I particularly like - but these days, I am trying not to berate myself for small things.

With one month less a day until the wedding, though there is still much to do,  but excitement is winning. Excitement for THE DAY and all that entails, excitement to see friends and family from far away and eagerness to celebrate together. A break from the planning, a break to Costa Rica and then the beginning, officially, of a new life together.

Letterpress by the INCREDIBLE Jessica Hische, you can purchase her work here.

Monday January 20

Today I am feeling thankful.

Thankful for generous family and friends. Rebecca and the Moms (my Mom, Tim's Mom, should I just say my Moms? Newness...) threw a bridal shower for me yesterday and I am so thankful for the time people carved out of their busy lives to come, as well as the gifts and the advice I received. I feel spoiled.

My parents also came up for the weekend; while I was at work on Saturday, my Mom organized our new place (which was very disorganized post-move, it now looks and feels great) and Tim, my Dad and Grandpa Ikert built an unreal table! It will serve as one of the head tables, but more importantly it will be a table to gather around - for people to sit and be fed, for people to play board games and laugh, a place for toasts to be raised and fondues to sizzle.

In an email the other day, someone wrote: the countdown is on. It sure is. 26 days.

Pizza Diaries

Hat Print by the ever-wonderful Rifle Paper Co.

Last night brought the first snowfall of the year. Though I have been reserving a certain amount of dread for the onset of winter, instead this morning finds me humming happily away in my burrow. It does help that I have the day off today (my days off from the bakery/pizzeria are Sunday and Monday) and ahead...two bonus days owing to the delivery of a new proofer and some other equipment for the bakery that will shut down our production temporarily.

Though my first thought regarding the days off was worry about the loss of wages - after feeling run off my feet for the last two weeks, I am am thankful for the chance to catch up on wedding planning and job applications. The way the government seems to move, if I want to get a job by next year, I should apply now. Seriously. But. I am feeling much more confident as the pizza lady and finished our Saturday supper rush with a bang as I did two pizzas at once in the oven. I was triumphant! 

At Christies Il Secondo, we have a wood fired pizza oven, with the fire and pizzas in the same oven space. So if the right amount of flame isn't in there, the dough won't blister or puff properly. However, if the bottom is too hot, but bottom of the pizza cooks faster than the top and really, very few people crave blackened (ok, burnt) pizza crust. Since we hand turn (using a long tool called a peel) and maneuver each pizza for the 60 seconds or so that they are in the oven, doing two at once can be tricky. Thus, rocking out my first two solid pizzas at once was a great way to end the week.

This past week has been about small victories. Or really, a large one in a way. The last few years I have struggled with being active. I have been more often found in front of my computer, on my bed or couch with a book or Grey's Anatomy (or other myriad shows and movies). As I have continued my love affair with cooking, I have increased the amount that I eat (and often, richness of the foods I am eating, aka Mastering the Art of French Cooking). As I read Julia Child's letters and memoirs and she describes feeling "bilious",  I have given more than one Amen, Sister! This combination of overeating and little activity has led to extra weight and feeling like an unhealthy blob. Undoubtedly, ridiculous societal expectations have been playing into my negative mental image of myself and I do not want give them any credence. With that said, feeling stuffed and like I need to lay down after most meals is excessive. So, with help of Tracy Anderson workout DVD's and following her meal plans/diet, I am 8 days in and feeling really good.* Which deserves at least one fist pump. Maybe two. So chalk up another victory. 

I'm feeling good. And cozy inside, with bright light reflecting off the snow coming in.

Until next time,

Elizabeth

*Note: the first 5 days were hellish and I was grumpy and hating it. 

To Be

This is a time of in betweens. In between school and work, student and employee. In between engaged and married, girlfriend and wife.

It is lovely being engaged, but most times it feels normal, even humdrum. Calling caterers, sending countless email inquiries, designing invitations...shifting, kerning, weighing. This or that. And then come moments of magic. Picking up a nondescript cardboard box from UPS and carrying it home. Carefully opening it to reveal a white garment bag inside, slipping out of my everyday clothes and into my wedding dress. A frisson of wonder ripples through me as I look in the mirror, half my mind on what I see and the other half imagining turning the corner at the back of the cathedral and seeing Tim waiting the end of that long aisle. I will be wearing this dress on that day.

And until then, I am a to-be wife. To-be sister. And hopefully, to-be employed.

Until then - I will plan, apply and enjoy the last of the fall days.

Pictured above: Ideal Bookshelf #230 (Writing) by Jane Mount. 

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P.S. How To make Creme Fraiche

1 cup (240 mL) whipping cream
1/4 cup (60 mL) buttermilk

Stir together the cream and buttermilk. Cover loosely with plastic wrap and let sit at room temperature for 24 hrs. Unwrap stir and refrigerate. Will keep up to one week.

The Lucky One

Hello.

I am still here, after a long absence. From the woods to the prairies and back again.

These days, I spend my days at home. Jobless and searching for gainful employment. It is mostly nice. Nice to have time to cook and make new friends, drinking coffee in the sun. Walking along the river before winter comes. Wedding planning at a relaxed pace. Some days I feel very blah. Discouraged at the lack of response or rejections. But, mostly I know that something will come along.

Mail from Tiff & Gareth (the print of you beauties is up on fridge already), Tessa (loved the typewritten reply) and Meg (I am taking it over for Tim to read tonight, loved it!) came today. Tess also typed the following on the bottom of her letter:
"It is always the simple things that change our lives. And these things never happen when you are looking for them to happen. Life will reveal answers at the pace life wishes to do so. You feel like running but life is on a stroll. This is how God does things." -Donald Miller

I, of course, burst into tears. I can not, even now, explain exactly why, but I think the simplest answer it that it is true. It struck a deep chord and when that happens, I invariably cry. Heck, I cry at the pluck of string. Anyway, I am thankful for the mail today from three women I love dearly. I am also thankful for all the encouragement from everyone here in Saskatoon when I feel discouraged, they make those blah days so much better.

This song has been on repeat today. Have you heard it before? I don't know where I have been, but I think I will have to acquire this album. "Youth", by the band Daughter.

Talk soon,
Elizabeth

The End is Near

15 July

It has been raining since I got to our new campsite yesterday, around 5. This is the kind of weather that makes me want to book into a hotel until the sun comes out again. I rely on the cooks to let me lurk in a corner of the kitchen, soaking up the warmth of their stovetops and ovens. Last year, I would have been the cook, plenty warm while prepping and cooking. Today, I want to make soup. Today, I want to sink into a bubble bath that has steamed up all the mirrors. Today I wish for my overheated apartment. 

The season has gone by fairly quickly, though as always it seems a long time since we left home for the season. Another world, another life, that waits for us to come back to it after our summer sojourn. Can you believe that there is 4 shifts (or so) in two weeks (or so) until the season is done? I barely can. Though, I am trying not to to think about it. Anticipating the end of season too soon is a rookie mistake. 

I am planning some fun events to keep people's spirits up in this last stretch - a beer tasting followed by a talent show, perhaps planter games and of course STEAK NIGHT. I'll dig a long pit to fill with coals and we'll lay the oven racks over them to make one long grill. Steaks will be cooks to each person's taste - red and dripping or fully done. Montreal steak spice will shower and the beer will flow.

18 July

In the morning, the drive out on the Swale (a logging road) is especially beautiful. The light filters through the dust, turning it all to gold. Above, the foothills stand looking nearly as majestic as those they foreshadow. 

19 July

The first impression this camp made on me has been turned on its head. Though the mornings (6am wake) are chilly - by 9 am sunlight has summited the trees to reach the camp. It is then that I will make my way to my office in the far back corner, when I can see the sunlight glowing yellow on the tent. The days are passing slowly and quickly. It is hard not to anticipate the end (rookie move though it may be) and the relaxation and friend and family time that lays beyond our last few days of work back in PG. Soon enough. We are still here. 

See you soon,Elizabeth

Mosquito coils and G&T.

The smell of mosquito coils always transports me to our cabin at Jan Lake in northern Saskatchewan. As the years pass, I feel more and more sure that it will be a haven and getaway I will appreciate all my life.

Though transported by smell, I am physically in northern BC – I wonder what the long/lat is? Could I fly straight across two provinces to our cabin? I would sit on the deck - screened in to keep out the mosquitos. There are other things out here that remind me of our log cabin – the wooden plaques in village stores that read “our provincial bird” with a picture of an enormous mosquito; stores with laundry in the back and an assortment of cheap and random  goods – minnows, plastic shovels and buckets, balloons, fishing gear and crackers and canned beans in the front. If you're lucky, there might even be ice cream. 

Not so long ago, I was not even in the bush of northern BC. I was in the Fraser Valley/Vancouver for Tiff and Gareth's wedding. It was beautiful. I am eagerly awaiting Sharalee's pictures so I can relive it via photos - but it is not so long gone that I can't remember it all. The warmth and relaxation found at Dave and Debbie's and amongst my best girlfriends. The comfort of the familiar and missed. Days full of laughter and toasts and meeting new beau's. Days with ocean  in front of us and Abbotsford behind us. A day of celebration and beauty and only the good tears. 

G and T - it was a honor. It was a beautiful day(s) and I am so glad I could be there to be a part of it it all (and meet Maureen and Richard, seriously they are the best!) I hope you guys are settling into your new home. Love you both. 

Sophie was there.

B Freemans was there.

Tiff was definitely there. 

The rehearsal dinner was gorg. (at the Vancouver Yacht Club)

B Maids (minus me). We happy.

They (G&T) were pretty happy too.

I am squinting pretty hard in this one, but I still like it.

Just some rapping during the reception. 

Look at these two rockstars. Beauts.

Already June

Every fluctuation in the weather is noticed out here; every minute of light added or taken away observed. This year began with heat - shorts and tank tops required for the first few days - a stark contrast to the snow that greeted everyone as we emerged from tents and trailers on the first day of the season last year. As a result, the trees budded weeks before they usually do. The last two years I remember the moment, around 4am, while walking down a path through the trees, that I saw the first buds and leaves appear. The heralds of spring. This year they came before I could await their arrival.

Birds chirp at all times of day here. There is one bird I especially notice in the evening, its ribbon of sound cutting through the dusk. It reminds me of where we are. We are in no city or town. No glow of lights creates a halo above us, just the hum of generators running on gasoline. And when the generators are turned off for the night - peace, the blessed quiet. The absence of sound is a lullaby all its own. This time is my favorite time of day out here. The camp full, everyone is sleeping or falling asleep after a day well spent. This happens between 9 and 9 30pm. By 10 camp is quiet.

The sky out here is big. Big sky is where I feel most at home - either fringed by forest, or prairie. I suppose that's why I feel so at home in front of the ocean, because of the big sky holding court above it.

It already June, my beautiful Mother's birthday has passes and G&T's big day is later this week. The summer seems to be passing quickly this year. I have settled into my new role - camp paperwork hound, data entry person, safety coordinator. I like it. It is a much calmer existence than cooking. Though ultimate calm continues to elude me, I appreciate the concreteness of my job this year. The steady checking off of to do's on my list.

'Til next time,
Elizabeth